The Two Women I Live With.

A few years ago I had an experience that, at the time, was deeply disturbing, debilitating, and depressing, but with hindsight, was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It was because of something so awful that I met a better version of myself, and it changed the way I look at negative experiences and/or emotions, because when something arises that upsets me, challenges me, or debilitates me now (although I still feel it for everything it is) I know that there's treasure on the other side of it.

I know that it'll take time, I know that it might hurt, and I know that things may feel uncomfortable for a while, but inevitably I'll learn, I'll grow, and I'll shed a skin that wasn't serving me anymore.

That's what this painting was - there was a part ae masel' that was ugly, that had really been holding me back, and was sabotaging my peace. I felt awful, stuck, lost and defeated. I felt that there was no way to overcome the obstacle in front of me, but equally I was aware that I had been here before, and it was from that awareness that I knew, at some point, I'd meet a new version of myself again, and she would be free of everything I was currently experiencing.

She'd be stronger than me.

*** The foolish thing would be to believe that the work is done. It never ends. As soon as you meet that new version of yourself, there's another one, and another, and another. It's almost like, the whole point, is to make your way along a path, shedding the parts of yourself that hold you back, over and over, until you're left with only the good stuff, and I guess if we're very lucky, we'll manage that feat before we dee. So, I live wi' two women - one of them I'm tryin' tae shed, and one of them I'm runnin' towards.

One of them I'm tryin' tae free masel' from, and the other is just free.

One of them can be anxious, and the other sees that anxiety but is not anxious.

One of them can be insecure, and the other sees that insecurity but is not insecure.

One of them has been at the top of the mountain and felt afraid, and the other one has seen that fear but is not afraid.

One of them has felt the sting as I dip a toe into autumn/winter waters, and the other sees that I'm cold but dives in and keeps me warm.

She sees the feelings I have that can hold me back, and doesn't feel them.

I see her.

I learn from her.

I'm making my way to her. The last her.